Kewl

Yeah.. this is kewl you can post here now, Lis.. gotta love it. Well.. have some writing I want to do.

Class is still great, a little boring at times, but.. overall great. Took my final today and scored 100! Like what else would I score (I got 100% on all tests that I took, 4 of them)

On the way home, I thought about.. alot of things. I was thinking of Darian, and wondering how I will effect her life, when she is older. I am the person that shapes her future. I want her to be perfect, though I know its unrealistic. I don't want her to think of me like I think of my mom. I also thought.. well.. about T., and well how much Darian really needs a daddy.

T. told me that he would be more like her good friend, then he was like.. her step-dad. But that is not what she needs. She needs a father, a real father, a daddy. What scares me is her ability to know that she needs that. She stated that to me before I really even thought about it intensly. I mean.... yeah I've known it would be nice to have a father figure for her, but I never found the right now. But since day 1, Darian has, I believe, fell in love with T., like I have. We went for pizza, the next day after he came, and Darian wouldn't stop until she held his hand going into the pizza place. Same thing here, the last time he came... she was picking on him, enjoyed him picking on her... and we were all laughing and giggling madly. Darian asked him to do the airplane... and he was kind of lost as to what she wanted, so I did... it. It was great. The last Saturday he was here, we went to the Pagoda, and had a blast, climbed down the hill (Darian did some sliding) and then hiked back up. Towards the top, Darian asked T. to carry her. Neither of us was in shape to carry her.. (she's getting sooo big). I got her finally got up the final stairs after we rested a minute, then T. and I told her we'd race up. T. beat us all, I came in second, and then my little ball of energy, must of been tired, because she came up last. Not to tired to beg us to climb the tree at the top. She only really wanted T. to help her. It was sooo cute. At one point he climbed the tree too. It was so adorable. I took pictures, I hope to get developed here next week. Hopefully I will be able to post some here.

What I was saying, was that... I need T. to be her father, to reassure her, that she is taken care of, and that he will take care of both of us. Though, I am confused on his thoughts on parenthood.

One day, before we were dating... I asked him something about his sister's kids. He answered saying something about (i think) Him being undecided about that. I asked him if he thought I was asking him about him wanting kids, and then told him he misunderstood, but then I questioned him on this thought on kids. He said basically... something to the effect, that he's not ready for them, because he's not mature enough to handle the responsibility. That kind of put me off, though it was good that he was being honest.

Well.. now to my confusion.... You see... with this whole pregnancy scare thing... (which I thought was over, but isn't but I'll explain in a min). I told him last nite, that I felt like I was getting my period. So we shouldn't worry. And he said something to the effect, that he didn't think I was, but stating something.. that to me.. left me with the idea, that he was a little disappointed that I wasn't. Then said something about him thinking I wasn't pregnant... and.... then told himself something about... Yeah.. we don't want you to be pregnant right now. Well.... the thing is.. I felt like I was getting my period... I even spotted a bit, but... its not come yet. That reminds me of when I was pregnant, right around the time I was supposed to have my period, I had sex, and spotted a bit. It scares me. Yes.. I do want a child, but not now. I got this awesome job, and if I get pregnant (or are pregnant) and leave because of a baby, I don't know if I'll have a job when I get back. It scares me. I can't afford this, and I'm not raising another baby alone. I won't do it. I'd rather die. I know that sounds harsh, but that is the only thing that has brought suicidal thoughts to my head lately.. is the thought of being pregnant right now.