Testing... 1... 2... 3...

The pregnancy test came out negative. Thank god. I thought about how long it would take me to get a gun if I were. That scares me. Had a long talk with my good friend, JM, though.. and he told me I need to quit running away, cuz basically I'd have to deal with this baby if I was pregnant. I couldn't ever bare to have an abortion, but I'm not raising another child on my own.

T.. and I.. well not sure whats going on with that. I'm not feeling hate for him anymore, I partly understand... but.. I feel like no matter what I say it doesn't make a difference. I've told him before, that even if he decides not to call, email me.. or something. I don't just worry.. ya know why he didn't call. I wonder if he's cheating, I wonder if he's just ok. I want to make sure he's safe.

I wrote him a letter after I IMed him:

THE IM:

WEll, i guess you will get this when/ if you get back online, which is a good thing. I don't know how to trust you, or anyone completely. I do want to trust you, but I don't have any reason to. I don't understand why you wouldn't tell me where you lived before... or why you are always so vague when i do ask questions. When I ask you to call, and tell you I'm upset, then.. I really need to you call. I was soo upset last nite, cuz I still thought I mite be pregnant. Then I saw.. you blogged, and that... you wrote "victoria" and i was crushed, hurt and angry. I couldn't belive you would take time, and money.. to email some girl you didn't know. I do understand more, that you thought it was someone you knew.. but.. still.. I told you how I felt about that, and with the whole star thing.

THE EMAIL:

I felt so betrayed, and thought that all my thoughts on being right to not trust you. I just want you to do what you say... call me when you say you will, and if you can't.. email me .. leave me an offline message.. let me know your thinking of me.

Like tonite. I Have no idea what you are really thinking... I feel like you are mad at me, and you have all right to be (they are your feelings), but I hope you can understand me a bit. Just... I don't want you to think its about you having friends.. cuz.. friends are different, the way you wrote to "her" was as if.. you wanted to take a chance "with her" and that is what I read into it.

Part of the reason.. that I wanted to talk to you last nite. . (besides the pregnancy thing-- i was very upset about that last nite) was because I wanted to find out if you had any idea what you were doing this weekend... I really want to cook for you.

The thing is, and you haven't acknowledged how I feel about this.. yet.. is that.. you are in control about everything in our relationship. The only thing I have control of, is if we continue to date (and you still have your side on that too). If you haven't noticed, I hardly call anymore, and for good reason. I don't see any point. I never know when you are home, and i know when I do call, all i can do is leave a message. You get the choice to call, I don't.. you say. when we get together.. when and if we do this and that... and I really don't like it.

Before being so angry and just wanting to strangel (sp) you today... I was wanting to talk to you about.. when we could spend some time alone together, and looking into makeing weekend arrangements for Darian.

After wanting to talk to much to begin with, you didn't want to talk, I could really use to talk some more. If you are up for it, feel free to call if you get back online tonite. I know in my heart that you won't, but you told me to ask when I want something. So I'm asking you if you will call me.

I don't want to fight. I don't want to feel sad or angry or upset about.. things. I do want to be part of your life, and I'm not. I don't feel important. I don't feel as if I am really part of ur life.

Some of the things you said to me, really hurt. About.. if you were any of your friends... I'd be gone. I think I know that already you dont have to remind me that your friends think i'm nuts, and apparently you do to. Then, I don't remember the other words, but something you said.. about... basically breaking up with me...

I feel I had grounds to be mad. I understand more, now.. and I don't hate you, ( I felt alot of hate earlier, over how stupid I could be to have trusted you as much as I did).

I know.. me saying " I don't know why you want to be with me" may not be a good thing.. but I want to understand. I do know I have good qualities, but I don't think they make up for my psycho-ness... for my neediness, for my dectective work, for my insecurities... for all my faults. ANd I guess part of me doesn't understand, what it is you are really wanting. You've vaguely told me.. you have a "five year plan" but you've not told me any details on what you want or what you need. And I want the details, just like I wanted the details of your address.

You don't have to worry about me showing up randomly at your door. I would never do that... ever... I don't even feel comfortable calling ur home, so you dont have to worry about that. I just wanted to know.. for my own purposes... beside.. isn't it normal for a girl to have her bf's address? Especially when he expressed that he wants to marry her.

I don't know if any of this helps you. I'm sorry I have so much trouble communicating on the phone.. just have alot of pain today, and its not all about you. I"m struggling inside about so many things. The pregnancy thing.. was bothering me for quite awhile, and until about 5 minutes before I talked to you. It still makes me nervous, test are sometimes wrong... and etc.. but.. if i dont get my period in a week, then I will retest. I was feeling suicidal about the whole thing. I kept telling myself that if I was pregnant I was going to blow my head off. It scared me. I don't like thinking like that. I just felt if I was pregnant, I'd be doing it on my own again, and I couldn't deal with that. I'm so mad at myself for even beign with you without protection. I know better, we talked about it, and neither of us listened. I am also confused about your response.. the first time that I told you I didn't think I was pregnant.. you acted, dissppointed. Can you explain that to me?

Well, I'm going to go get offline, my head is killing me.. and so are my eyes. If you could, and feel up to it, call me tonite.. If you don't feel up to it, I'll try and understand, but I just really wish I could cheer you up, and that we both could feel better about things. I wish I could hold you and just make everything better. Give you sweet kisses and tell you that I love you.

I love you, T.
Love
Julie

AND SOMETHING I FORGOT: (T. usually seems to read, so this is for him)

The other thing that really really upset me, and I know you said first, I'm not trying to throw this up in your face, but.... something to the effect, that you have plenty of chances to cheat on me, and could if you wanted to.

That is exactly what I see, and since I don't trust you, thats what I think about alot. ALOT. I don't really know about ur life, or what you do, or who you do it with, you are usually soo vague. I can't stand it. I mean, I've known you since June... I just got ur home address today, you've had mine.. since.. August I believe. And my address is not something I just give out. I trusted you then, you care for my heart, and now.. I just feel like I'm not important.

You say... " I have no problem with coming up there to Reading to see you and etc..." but.. you've come up 3 times. 3 times. Thats not significant in my life. Really. Thats like 19 hours every two weeks, thats like.. 570 minutes every week, thats average of 81.43minutes a day, thats less than 4 minutes out of every hour. I use the bathroom more often than that. I spend more time talking to the neighbor than that. I spend more time crying than that. I spend more time writing you emails each week, that I rarely get responses to.

Yes I know you said, you have the band, your job, and me.. and that none of them are above the other (in priorities), but I don't feel that way. Not at all. Even if you average in the time we spend on the phone, it doesn't compare.... I want to feel important, without that.. I feel nothing.

I'm getting too tired, and rambling too much.. so I will end here.