Things take a change....

Last nite, I was talking to T., and I thought we had a nice conversation. He shared alot of things with me, that I thought was awesome, because he shared so much with me, some really personal things. Before we got off the phone, I got upset, I started feeling bad about things. .and was stressing out about money. I get stressed out, cuz I really don't know much about him.. and he doesn't offer up too much info. I got upset, cuz he said he didn't know if he could see me on Friday, because he didn't know if he could afford to. That really upset me. For more reasons than I could ever begin to state. Mostly cuz it reminded me of one of my ex's that had different priorities than me.

Below is his letter to me:
Hello Julie,
I writing this because I don't really want to call right now. Sadly I am notcoming out to see you tonight. I really need to get some rest and I'm slightyoverdue for some downtime. Not to mention I'm a little mad at you right now.
Julie, I love you, I think you know that, but I don't think you realize howmuch you upset me when you get upset simply because I want to go to sleep. Don't you think I miss you too? I am working very hard trying to get my lifetogether because I wnat to be with you. I have to balance work, the band, andyou... I don't ask you anything in return, other then to love me and this iswhat I get? I have to worry if I'm going to lose you simply over a missedphone call, if I can't see you when you want me to?
I'll get it over this, and I'll still love you after, but right now....I amtaking my downtime...
Your future hubby,
T.


Well.. I was so upset (but i've been that way all day.. on the edge of tears, and even crying at different points today) I sent this message to him:

Thanks for at least emailing me. Its not just about you going to sleep. Don't worry about me. Have a nice life

Julie

I know.. I know.. Immature, rediculous.. and just stupid. Plus it sounds like I'm going to do something bad.. which I'm not. I cried for a while, and talked to my aunt.. and cried some more.. then I came back.. with the intentions to write in my blog, but proceded to write to him....
As Follows:
T,
I apoligize about the last email. I was very angry and upset. Sadly.. it is your decision not to call. As it is not my decision, to end our relationship. Yes I am still very angry and upset, but I can't deal with being in a relationship, let alone in a relationship where I can't understand your actions, reactions.. and thinking. I don't understand why you wouldn't just tell me you are angry with me. I would tell you.

Well, you certainly don't have to worry about me interrupting your sleep, or your life anymore. I told you from the beginning, you don't have the time that I need from you. I can't do this. I didn't get upset because you wanted to go to bed, I was upset before that, it just so happened, that you decided to go to bed. I'm sorry.. if I upset you, thats not my intentions. I just hurt alot inside, most of which has nothing to do with you. I get these aweful mood swings, and feel deeply sad and suicidal alot still. THose feelings wont change overnite, its going to take alot of work on my part. I don't, nor will I ever understand why you want to be with me. Maybe because of neediness.. I'm not really sure. I know my reasons for wanting to be with you... you made me feel good inside, made me feel more positive, and loved.... You knew, going into this.. how I was.. I never hid anything from you, i've told you various times that I'm hard to deal with, I have problems in relationships with men... I feel alone and abandoned at the least little problem. I can't help that. Thats me, its part of how I am. They are my feelings.

Part of me regrets already some of the things I've wrote, but your email really hurt me. It hurts me more that you emailed it rather than told me in person. I wonder if you would of really understood me.. I need more than y ou can give me. I need more than anyone can give me. I need to find out some things for myself.

I know this letter will hurt you. I don't want it to. Part of me wishes.. already.. that I wouldn't of told you that I wanted to break up. But I feel I do. If you want to talk about it, you know where to find me, because I won't bother you. (don't worry, I'm not going to go kill myself)

I've just been feeling really bad about alot of things lately... and I feel really alone, scared.. and lots of other things. I just wish... that.. you understood.. that its not about you wanting to go to bed. I do love you, very much. So much it hurts, it hurts every inch of my body.

Love,
Julie Ann Lathrop