Decided to stay home today, and see my friend tommorrow since I have to pick up my aunts fiance at midnite. So here I am to write and write and write.
One thing, I want to say I'm proud of myself, because although I was sooo mad at T. the other day, for the first time in a long time, I didn't take it out on myself, and I didn't feel suicidal. I'm doing good with those feelings, but trying to think of things in my future I have to live for. Its hard, but I have faith that I will make it.
I hurt so much right now. I really thought I would have a family with T. I hurt so much, and its hard because I know we both love each other so much. Being in his arms makes my whole life seem worth it. I've cried so much. I never thought he would walk out on me.. ever. I really trusted that about him. I had faith, though, things weren't just how I needed them to be, being with him, was so wonderful. Mad me feel so good so special.
I'm a bit mad at him and myself, for even starting this relationship. Now.. I'm not the only one hurting. I see Darian hurting already. I gave her a kiss like he asked me to, and she said "he can come over tommorrow and give me one". If only. This is exactly why, I didn't want to start a relationship with him.
I don't regret it, though, it may sound like it. I've grown alot in the short time we were together. I've learned things about myself. I've learned to think more positive, I've learned more about believing in myself. And apparently I've grown alot, because I'm not feeling suicidal, though I'm scared, that if something else goes wrong I may. I hurt so bad inside, and so much of me just wants him here right now to hold me... and tell me he loves me.. and that he didn't mean anything he said... about ending our relationship. Part of me wishes that so bad. (having trouble typing I'm crying so much) It just hurts so bad.
The thing is, I understand so much. Everything he said.. was right, he said I was right, what I've been saying all along was right, and... I don't want to be right. It hurts too bad.
I'm so scared of being alone. I know that once my heart starts to heal, I will have alot more confidence, and be able to assure myself more, but.. it doesn't make me want T. any less. It doesn't change the fact that I really wanted to marry him and have a family. It doesn't change the fact that he'll always be in my heart. It doesn't change that.. I feel like I need him so bad.
I don't understand at all. I don't understand how I could be led on, I knew the truth, from day 1. That he couldn't give me what I wanted, but I was so needy, I fell right into his arms. I love being in his arms. I love the way he holds me. I love the way he wraps his arms around me, and his legs when we sleep. I love the way he rests his head on my breasts. I love kissing him, and tickling him. I loved the thought of spending the rest of my life with him. I loved the thought of growing old together, I never wanted to grow old, let alone.. have a husband to grow old with.
I wish I knew where to go from here.
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