Today

Feeling down today. More angry than down I guess. I hate letting things sit, I hate sitting on my feelings, and my pain and hurt. It makes me angry inside. (plus I'm not feeling good & and its about that time of the month-- at least I hope).

I yelled at Darian a few times tonite, overly.. and I keep overreacting.

I just don't understand if he loves me so much, why wouldn't he want to talk to me. Why would he be online and not want to talk to me. Why wouldn't he call. I don't understand, and I'm not sure I ever will. I just don't feel like I'm important in his life at all. Actually I'm not, I'm not really "in" his life. And I don't see it happening. All I've felt like doing is crying, plus I have a hell of a headache today, so I'm feeling pretty ill.

I did talk to my sister, S., today... and I ended up crying.. she wanted to talk to me about coming down for Thanksgiving, I couldn't believe it.. we've fought alot in the last year, and I'd almost given up on her. I could use her, she's a good pick me up!! I love her so much, she's my first little angel.

I'm also stressed out cuz Darian had an accident today at the post office, and most the people there were idiots. This one lady.. flipped out, basically treating me and my daughter like dirt. Saying I need to teach my child to potty train, and how disgusting it was. Luckily this other lady, who was a parent, helped me feel better about it.. and helped clean up the mess. Poor Darian.

Part of me wishes I could just blow my head off, then I wouldn't feel any more pain. Part of me wishes I could know that tommorrow will be better.. and the day after even better.. and the day after.. ya know. I'm really worried about being pregnant. I think I'll call the clinic on Monday and see if there is any way I can get in. Just so I know for sure. If I found out I was pregnant.. I would blow my head off, I couldn't handle it.