Ok we will take these in turn...

--- Joulesofaffection wrote:

> I felt so betrayed, and thought that all my thoughts on being right to not
> trust you. I just want you to do what you say... call me when you say you
> will, and if you can't.. email me .. leave me an offline message.. let me
> know your thinking of me.


You know what, you're right... I screwed up. I should have called, I didn't
becaused I cared about you, I kn ew it was late, and I had to make a decision
(I agonized over it...really, should I shouldn't I should I shouldn't I). In
the end I thought you sleeping was more important, guess I was wrong.

I've told you time and time again, I'd rather talk to you, at least briefly than sleep, and sometimes, when you don't call I don't sleep well. I worry, about you, about us, and about why you didn't call. And if I wake up and can't sleep, I have no way to contact you. Even if you are online, you hide, so I'd never know you were there, and I can't call you.
>
> Like tonite. I Have no idea what you are really thinking...

pissed off, very sad, very disappointed

I'm sorry that I hurt you, pissed you off and disappointed you, but I felt compelled to do it. I felt I had to know, why you spend so much time on hotornot.  Before all this, I was thinking of asking you, why we really needed to still have it, our profiles up that is, and what you thought on us both taking them down. 

I feel like you are mad at me, and you have all right to be (they are your
feelings), but I hope you can understand me a bit. Just... I don't want you
to think its about you having friends.. cuz.. friends are different, the way
you wrote to "her" was as if.. you wanted to take a chance "with her" and that
is what I read into it.

I met Sarah (I told you about her, her middle name is Victoria), when I started
playing in Pessimist back in '95. Then, she was 15, wickedly smart, but also
very depressed, she didn't cut, but she kept bags of her own blood (at least
that what she said) in her refrigerator in these medical plastic bags, she had
syringes that she used for something, diabetes maybe, I dunno. Anyway, I used
to stay at Kelly's (guitar player, Sarah was his sister) when I came up for
practice, I was unemployed at the time, and would basically only go home to
fill our slips for unemployment, get the money and come back to DE. I first
saw her where our bass player was staying, in a high school yearbook we were
checking out, just from the picture I knew there was something different about
her, any way the picture kept reappearing, in different yearbooks, until I
finally saw it on the mantle at Kelly's house. I almost didnt recognize it at
first, and then I remembered it from the yearbook. Before Kelly introduced us,
he told me "y'know whe likes black guys, so behave ok", I was like sure no
prob. She didn;t hear that though and proceeded to spend the next 2 days
hitting on me while Kelly was at work, I finally gave in, and we had sex for
awhile, but under that we where really good friends, she was really cool, and
the only thing we had in common was sex, because we were really different
people (she was the rapper, I was the metal head, the 2 didn;t mix back then).

Anyway, fast forward, I heard she married an air force guy, and had kids, but I
still wonder if she doing ok. So when I saw that pic, that was sent to me, and
from DE, I thought "is that Sarah?"

Seems like grounds to waste a couple of bucks to try and contact her, or so I
thought.....

I told you, I do understand more now, but... still...  Why didn't you say something to me. I feel that you should've known how I felt, when you don't bother to contact me, and then you have a star, and you were online in the middle of the nite, and couldn't bother to contact me. It was a repeat of what happened to me with Peter. Despite the fact that " I set you up" in a way.. I still would of been mad, had I not been "Victoria".    I don't think the picture said DE, but... the last email you sent, verified, that you really did think it was someone else.   The things I thought in my head were stuff.. like. if he emails her, "who else does he email" and what does he say to them...   Who do you flirt with and..  spend time with that is more important than me?  The thoughts just consumed me, and the people I spoke with about it, reassured my feelings, so I kept feeling worse about it.

>
> Part of the reason.. that I wanted to talk to you last nite. . (besides the
> pregnancy thing-- i was very upset about that last nite) was because I
> wanted to find out if you had any idea what you were doing this weekend... I
> really want to cook for you.

Yeah, and I really wanted to see you, despite the fact that our CD comes back,
that Stiil I need to get artwork done for, that I have to be back Sat to
promote at the 51 peg show. I WAS going to put all that aside because I wanted
to see you... Well you know what?...thats fucked now....congratulate yourself
the next time you look in the mirror.....

Well  I still want to see you, despite the fact that I'm not feeling very good about things.  That again is your decision, if you don't want to see me. You can blame it on me, if that makes you feel better, but you've told me, I do have a right to be mad, as I've told you that you have all rights to be mad.  The thing is, I just want to make up, I want to work this out, and move on, but that again... is your decision.
>
> The thing is, and you haven't acknowledged how I feel about this.. yet.. is
> that.. you are in control about everything in our relationship.

It isn;t a question of control, its a question of responsibility. I know I wan
to see you I have to come to you (so who's in control then???), I know that I
have to make time, because you can't, and I don't (or at least I didn't) have a
problem with that.... I have a car, and enough cash to do so, so I
do...willingly.

To me, it is still about control.  Why do you say.. whose in control then? Unless their is a follow thru, I don't really see that you want to see me, or where you figure you have to see me.  What do you mean? You have to make time because I can't? And now you are saying you have a problem with coming to see me?  I just don't see it willingly, the last few times we've talked, you sound like you come to see me because I beg you to. I don't like feeling like I make you feel obligated to come see me. We are in a relationship and I figure since you love me so much, that you will make time for me. I want to come down and see you, spend some time together, get to know "your" world, though, I've not been feeling comfortable with that.  Just I can't do what you do, and decide, oh its Friday, and I'll come down. I need to plan way ahead of time, to make sure I have the proper arrangements. Sitter, money..etc. 


The only thing I have control of, is if we continue to date (and you still have
your side on that too). If you haven't noticed, I hardly call anymore, and
for
> good reason.

That's bullshit, you don't call primarily because of the discussion we had
concerning you leaving messages wehn you KNOW I can't possibly be home. Which
doesn't make any sense, and never told you not to call, I just said it was
interesting that you know that your behavior was irrational, but yet you
continued to do it anyway.... There has only been one time when you called
and I hadn't picked up, and that was when I was in the bathroom , even then I
called yo back after......

Unfortunately, you aren't me, and you can't tell me how I feel or why I don't call.  Yes, part of the reason is probably the messages. I don't just always call when I know you aren't home. Sometimes I call at nine (I don't when you really get home), thinking, oh.. he'll call when he gets home, and you don't.. so I feel its a waste of my time.  I know you never told me not to call, but when I do do that calling when I'm upset its really impulsive, and then I want to slap myself afterwords.  I get upset, when i see you've been online, and haven't bothered to message me or call me, and thats another reason why I don't call... plus like I said before, I rarely get a call back. 



I don't see any point. I never know when you are home, and i
> know when I do call, all i can do is leave a message. You get the choice to
> call, I don't.. you say. when we get together.. when and if we do this and
> that... and I really don't like it.

I get a choice, you just happen to have a cellphone, which means, 9 chances
outof 10, since it;s on you, you'll pick up. If I had a cell you could do the
same, I dont have one, so the way to get me is here.

This is not a control issue...

Ok, you have a valid point there, but you can't tell me that you've never been home and not answered my call.  LIke last weekend, I know you needed your space, but you didn't bother to contact me for four days. I've still been upset about that. How was I supposed to feel?  I mean really?  I was hurt, and still am about that. 
>
> Before being so angry and just wanting to strangel (sp) you today... I was
> wanting to talk to you about.. when we could spend some time alone together,
> and looking into makeing weekend arrangements for Darian.

I had vaction time coming up, but at this point......

This is your decision again, as I said before, you are in control. If you don't want to see me, that is fine, but if we are going to break up now, we need to decide now, because I don't want to wonder if you want to be with me anymore.  The thing is, I'm willing to work on this, if you give me a chance, give us a chance.  You asked me for a chance to be what I needed, and I'm trying to give you a chance, the least you can do, because you love me is give me one.  I have a lot of problems, you've known since almost day 1 of knowing me. They wont go away or change overnite. I have alot I need to work on. I just need someone strong to support me, in that.  You really have been good to me, you've just got bad timeing, as..  this is the roughest time I had in my life. (since MAY of 2003).   I'm really struggling, within myself, and in the world, and I just want some one in my life, that I know will always be by myside. Thru thick and thin, no matter how much we fight, or get pissed at eat other, no matter how much weight I gain or lose, no matter how I feel. No matter what I do.  I want someone loyal to me, someone that trusts things will work out for the best, because we will both try our hardest. 
>
> After wanting to talk to much to begin with, you didn't want to talk, I could
> really use to talk some more. If you are up for it, feel free to call if you
> get back online tonite. I know in my heart that you won't, but you told me to
> ask when I want something. So I'm asking you if you will call me.

No...
If I call right now, we will fight. I am not very rational right now... I
feel like I was one betrayed here...I would have never done that to you....that
was fucked up...

Thats fine, and I told you I'd understand.  I'm sorry that I've upset you so much.  I don't think we would of faught, but that is my opinion. I didn't want to make you feel betrayed, but I never thought it would get this far. I never in my life thought you would email "her".  I've told you I"m fucked up, I've even told you that I've "tested" people that way. Not thru hotornot, but usually thru yahoo.  Tony.. I do have trust issues, I've told you that.  I know its not fair to you, but I can't change that, and there are alot of things I need from you, to develope trust.  I've been hurt alot of times, I trusted, to only find out, how fucking stupid I was, to be cheated on thru the whole relationship. It makes me always wonder if my judgement is sound. I know you are not "THEM", and I try to tell myself alot, but things just always seem so "fishy" to me. LIke you not telling me where you lived. I don't understand. I don't understand why you just wouldnt tell me, after I've made it clear, I don't know where you live, and I want to know.  I know, I should just ask, be assertive, but its something I have to work on. I need someone to support me, so I work on these things about myself. Because there are times when I am assertive.  I've never really had a support system, and I hate it, I feel like when things are always bad, I have nowhere to turn. When I hurt now, I go to you, when you aren't there... I feel lost, and hurt.. and don't know what to do. You always give me the best advice, and get me really thinking about things. I like that, I love that...  I've told you before, you bring out some really good qualities in me, You get me starting to think positive...  and it makes me love you more.


>
> I don't want to fight. I don't want to feel sad or angry or upset about..
> things. I do want to be part of your life, and I'm not. I don't feel
> important. I don't feel as if I am really part of ur life.

And you never will as long as you do things like this, or think in terms of
"why are you here?". I LOVE YOU DAMMIT.

I am not a hard person to understand, actually I'm pretty normal

I try not to think why are you here. But I just don't see what benefit it brings to you in your life, me being with you. I want to understand. Because it seems to me, all I do is drive you nuts.  I hope your not "normal".. that would offend me. :)


>
> Some of the things you said to me, really hurt. About.. if you were any of
> your friends... I'd be gone. I think I know that already you dont have to
> remind me that your friends think i'm nuts, and apparently you do to. Then,
> I don't remember the other words, but something you said.. about...
> basically breaking up with me...

Most of my frineds have a pretty low tolerance for anything of this nature, but
they are not me, so yeah I hear them, but my decisions are just that "my
decisions".

I know that they are your decisions, but I feel like you said.. some of these things just to hurt me. LIke.. "not to throw this in your face, but.. If I wanted to cheat, I could, I get plenty of chances". How could that not hurt me? I don't trust you, and I know you meet lots of gorgeous women. I know how you feel about monogamy, and I wonder how you can even fathem staying in a monogamous relationship knowing what I know about you. 

>
> I feel I had grounds to be mad. I understand more, now.. and I don't hate
> you, ( I felt alot of hate earlier, over how stupid I could be to have
> trusted you as much as I did).

Julie, I admit, you had grounds to be mad, but can we put this in perspective,
forgetting the HotorNOt thing for a second, I missed a phone call. A phone
call. Now maybe if a couple of days goes by ok, but it a phone call. Seems
like alot to get angry over.

Ok. the thing is Tony, I need you to understand, its not just about the phone call, its about you making time for me. I don't understand why you would spend so much time online ,and not bother to email me.  Its not about the phone call, its about me wanting to trust you, and not feeling I'm able to. I need you do follow thru on what you say. I need to know I can count on what you say, and if I can't count on you for a phone call, what should I count on you for. That is another reason, I was more upset that I thought I mite be pregnant, I mean.. how could I could on you to help take care of me and our child, if... I couldn't count on you to call when say you will. We've had this discussion, a million and one times, you say you're going to call, call me.. no matter what the time. If I was too tired, and didn't want to talk, I'd not answer my phone or turn it off. BUT-- I dont find sleep to be a priority in my life. I get enough sleep to function, and I'll be working on getting more sleep, but I'd rather talk to you. See how your day went, and feel the warmth I feel in my heart when we talk, its something that always gives me hope, and helps me think more clearly and more positively. Its something I need, something I need from you.

>
> I know.. me saying " I don't know why you want to be with me" may not be a
> good thing.. but I want to understand. I do know I have good qualities, but
> I don't think they make up for my psycho-ness... for my neediness, for my
> dectective work, for my insecurities... for all my faults. ANd I guess part
> of me doesn't understand, what it is you are really wanting. You've vaguely
> told me.. you have a "five year plan" but you've not told me any details on
> what you want or what you need. And I want the details, just like I wanted
> the details of your address.

Everytime you say " I don't know why you want to be with me", you invalidate
everything thats happened in our relationship. You may as well shit on it.
It's like you're calling me stupid for being with you.. So what does that say
about me?

I'm sorry that You feel stupid when I say that. That is not my intentions. Though, I can get how you feel that. Its just, you are so smart, so sexy, and intelligent, I try to understand what your attraction was to me. You've know about my problems since we met (before we met in person) and loved me anyway.  I just don't understand what is so great about me, that it voids out all the "SHIT" in my life. I dont want to invalidate any part of our relationship.  Part of the time when I say this.. I just want to hear you say all the good things you love about me. I want/need reassured. I hate that, but right now in my life I do. I need to know, that you love me with all your heart, and since I don't see you in person, I don't always feel it. I'm not good with the long distance thing. It drives me mad. 

> You don't have to worry about me showing up randomly at your door. I would
> never do that... ever... I don't even feel comfortable calling ur home,
> so you dont have to worry about that. I just wanted to know.. for my own
> purposes... beside.. isn't it normal for a girl to have her bf's address?
> Especially when he expressed that he wants to marry her.
>
> I don't know if any of this helps you. I'm sorry I have so much trouble
> communicating on the phone.. just have alot of pain today, and its not all
> about you. I"m struggling inside about so many things. The pregnancy thing..
> was bothering me for quite awhile, and until about 5 minutes before I talked
> to you. It still makes me nervous, test are sometimes wrong... and etc..
> but.. if i dont get my period in a week, then I will retest. I was feeling
> suicidal about the whole thing. I kept telling myself that if I was pregnant
> I was going to blow my head off. It scared me. I don't like thinking like
> that. I just felt if I was pregnant, I'd be doing it on my own again, and I
> couldn't deal with that. I'm so mad at myself for even beign with you
> without protection. I know better, we talked about it, and neither of us
> listened.

I'm not sure what to say here, because your right, I'm not sure what happened
either. But the bottom line is I was prepared to do the right thing were you
actually pregnant. We did what we did because we wanted to, whcih to me is
worth the risk, any special is worth the risk.

Thats the thing, you dont have say anything. Sometimes just acknowledging that I've said something is enough for me. You don't have to know the answers.  The thing is, I've never had someone stick by me, usually because I get sick of them  because they are worthless..  but I've had people walk out on me, for plenti of reasons, and I'm sure at least some of them were good.  But, if I promise I'm going to be there for someone, I do everything in my power, I'd move heaven and earth to do the "right" thing.  I don't like taking risks, at least not sexually. If I was pregnant, part of me would die inside. Not because I don't want a child with you, but because I'm finally starting to stand on my own two feet, and have so much potential at this job, if I was pregnant, it would ruin all that. 

I'm also confused ( like I said in my blog). because of that time when you said you weren't ready for the responsiblity of kids, so i'm trying to understand why you want one in general, not just with me.




I am also confused about your response.. the first time that I
> told you I didn't think I was pregnant.. you acted, dissppointed. Can you
> explain that to me?

Of course I was a little disappointed. While it would be absolutely insane to
have a child right now, the bottom line I wanted you to be te mother, we talked
about that, so yeah I was a little disppointed although the rational side of me
is overjoyed, because neither one of us is ready.

I would still not mind being the mother of your child, just not now, its bad timing. I want it to be planned. I want to be your wife, before I'm the mother of your/our children.  I just am not understanding, I guess, because of the statement you made about children, when we were just friends.  That and the fact that if you want to be in mine and Darian's life..  I need you to be a father to her, a daddy.. and I was under the impression that you weren't ready for that. I'm trying to understand. Can you clarify?
>
> Well, I'm going to go get offline, my head is killing me.. and so are my
> eyes. If you could, and feel up to it, call me tonite.. If you don't feel
> up to it, I'll try and understand, but I just really wish I could cheer you
> up, and that we both could feel better about things. I wish I could hold you
> and just make everything better. Give you sweet kisses and tell you that I
> love you.
>
> I love you, Tony.
> Love
> Julie
>
If I call you now, we're going to fight. I am very upset right now, I'm sad and
I'm angry and I'm unsure, about everything right now....

I feel like this is falling apart, and I'm mad because I don't want it to, but
I'm not staying where I'm not wanted either

Ok. I do understand. I do appreciate you writing me so much. It was able to help me understand what you are thinking and feeling.  I know how you feel about being unsure, I feel that alot, and mostly not for good reasons. I feel a little upset now, still, but I still hope we can discuss this. ( you said you would call) I'm sorry I got pissed with you and I think I said.. whatever, I wont be sitting by the phone.  I get upset/angry every time you say you will call, because I dont really trust that you will. 

I feel things falling apart too, but I don't want it to either.  You are wanted. I want you more now.  I wish I could just fix the things that are so wrong with me, I wish I could find the reassureance within myself. But I can't, I don't know how..

You asked me.. what did I learn from this.. and my response was "your address". Though I did learn that.. I learned much more.

* I learned that you are loyal

* I learned that I hurt you more than I ever realized ( and I hope you can forgive me, because I would never hurt you on purpose)

* I realized how much it hurts you that I can't trust you.

* I learned that I love you more, despite what has went on

* I realized how much me needing reassureance..  affects you, and that I have to figure out something...  else to fill that need within myself

* I realized that we need to work on our communication skills more.

* I realized that I need to be more assertive

* And I already knew this one, I don't want to lose you. I don't want to betray your trust. I don't want you to be on your guard with me. You shouldn't have to be

* I realized how much I need to feel important in your life, though I don't know how to change that, or what I can do to help me with that.

* I know I've learned much more from this than just that, but unfortunately I've been typing for over an hour now, and i have to get my ass in the shower and get to work. SO much for the library today. Maybe tommorrow :)

Tony, I love and miss you so much.  I look forward to hearing from you. If you get this note before you go to work, could you let me know about what time you will be home, so as to when I can expect you to call. I'd appreciate it.

Love,

JAL
T.

Julie 

  
 

---

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