Ok

So much I want to say. T. and I talked last nite. I was actually quite wonderful. Though I wonder if he even knows how much I appreciate it. I wasn't expecting it at all, and I really needed it alot. I needed to know he loved me. Though, still a bit confused, not as much as I was before. He was like.. " I didn't dump you" Thats not what I heard, nor felt. But.. he made sure I knew he cared, and he made sure I knew he loved me. It felt so good. It brought back that awesome happy feeling I get when he's around.

I still have so many random thoughts about it. I want it to work. I want a commitment. I want to say.. "T.. YES.. he's MY bf" and eventually.. still hoping.. "YES.. he's MY husband!" I know I'm FUCKING crazy. I can't imagine being with anyone else.

I've been asked on dates already... I mean.. I knew it would come, but it drives me nuts. My heart was hurting soo bad. I was so overwhelmed, and I refuse to give any of the creeps a chance. I only want T. I want him to ask me back out.. or say yes. if I ask him out. I want that commitment. I just want my dream. I want a family. I want T. to be that family... I want to make babies.. eventually...

I know things won't be perfect, but I'm willing to give it my all. I just want a chance. I guess, until the weekend before last, I didn't realize.. he was one of those guys, that need "space". I mean.. we hardly see each other, so it was hard for me to understand why he needed space from me.

I was going to write about alot of things here, but some of my opinions have changed, just from talking to T. last nite. I will end with a copy of our last emails.


T..
Just trying to understand. I want to believe me. I just wanted to make sure you knew that once its over its over, and for me, their is no going back. I can't let you ever break my heart twice. (I'm not trying to be mean). I do understand what you mean to a point, but the more I learn about you, the more I wonder what you are hiding, or what you are afraid of. I wonder could I have done something different, etc.

I wonder how you could be my friend and do what you did to me. Part of me knows this is for the best, whether it was because of the reasons you said.. (which don't make sense to me), or because your afraid of commitment, or whether you want to see other people, or whatever the reason is. Its just I still feel like you are hiding something, and no matter how aweful it is, I want to know the truth. Thats all I've ever asked for.

Part of me wants to just go on and on, but I wont. I need to get to bed. I haven't been feeling well and need my rest. I hope you had a Happy Wednesday, and had a good time with the boys.

Hope to talk to you soon,
Julie

HIS RESPONSE:

Julie,

My internet is out at the house, so I'm doing this at work (hence why its so
short).

I don't really know what to say, you're going to do what you're going to do.
I've told you things about me that I've told few other people, so I'm not sure
where you are getting this "hiding something" stuff from.

Wednesday the guys and I listened to our new cd which we got back from the
mastering plant, If I had internet you could hear it on myspace, but I don't so
we spending the other time collecting art so we can release this thing.

Julie I love you, and I think we could be great friends (possibly even better
friends then lovers 'cause it requires a different head space).

But do what you have to do, and if I cant go back I'll just chalk it up to
ruining another relationship, wipe my tears, and hopefully learn from my
mistakes.

T.

AND MY LAST EMAIL (from last nite--I actually read it to him over the phone before we got off--cuz his email is down):

Tone,
Not sure what to say. Its ok, that its short. I'm just glad you wrote me.

I do feel like you are hiding something, but its only probably because you aren't as open as I am. I'm just guessing that. I do love when you open up to me. It means alot to me.

So whys ur internet out at home? I still have issues with myspace.. blah. So do I get that autographed copy? :)

I don't know about the better friends than lovers thing, maybe.. maybe not. But I'll always be jealous... because I want you. Though I've had doubts about things in our relationship, I never doubted we could work things out. I just don't understand why you wont give "us" a chance. I understand things won't be how.. I want them, and I know things won't be perfect. I just want to know that you care. Every time you date someone, my heart will break again. I'll always wonder, what if. I don't think one month is long enough to say.. I give up. You told me.. I didn't give you a chance, one week before you dumped.. and I agreed, that I wasn't. In a way I was sabotoging the relationshp. You yourself had said that. Had I not been honest, in talking to you, I'd of never said "that" and we'd still be together. Thats what I wanted you to know though.. if "we" are over, and we move on, I won't be able to give you that chance to try again. Especially since what I want is a commitment, and I don't understand, why we can't be commited to one another, and just maybe take a small step back from the relationship. The only differences I see from "us" and us being "friends" is that 1. I don't expect anything, especially the phone calls 2. You are free to fuck, and do whatever you want with any woman (women)... 3. You actually email me back whenver I email you 4. we don't talk on the phone. and I can't think of anymore atm.

I'm only going to do what I have to do, because I can't allow you to break my heart a second time. You knew me, and I'm sure you had an idea how much this hurts me. If you had any doubts about a relationship, you shouldn't of persued me, if you cared so much about me. The thing is, I don't want you to ruin this, I don't want you to give up. But I can't make you do any of those things. All I can tell you, is that you have a chance now, and you probably won't later, and i'm sure you know that. You should know that. I'm not going to sit around.. hoping you will come back to me. I can't. I can't trust that in you. Not when you can make a commitment to me. Not when, you hurt me so bad, and I was the one soo worried about hurting you. I cry so much, every time I think of you, and us, and the fun we had when we were together. Everytime I lay down, I think about you and I wrapped up in each others arms, and I cry. I want that. I want that so much. Tony, you bring out so much good in me. Being with you, makes me want to be happy. I'm sorry I have trouble dealing with your life, but its mostly because I'm not involved in it. The one thing that bugs me the most is why you couldn't tell me where you lived. It bugs the shit out of me.

Anyway... How areyou doing? how's ur day? I'm missing you, wishing you were around online. Could use to talk to you. Things are crazy here. Have a busy weekend planned for Dare and I. I get paid tommorrow, thank goodness. If you want you can always call me. I would love to talk. I'll try to be nice ;) I'm usually always nice. The thing is, part of me just wants to hear you say it outloud that you don't want to be with me. I'm having such a hard time accepting it.

One thing I wanted to ask you was if you wore earplugs when you play? I know it sounds stupid, and I know sometimes you are in another world when I talk to you, but have ever had your hearing checked? Cuz sometimes I say something to you and you give me an off the wall answer.. and I don't understand why you do. It could be.. if you've had hearing loss.. and well since you've been playing for years... then.. that could attribute. Hope I'm not stepping out of line, just a little knowledge I picked up yesterday, and thought I should share with you.

Not sure what else to say. I do want you to know that I love you, and miss you. Part of me probably always will. I really want to be with you. I want to give "us" a chance. I really wish you could try. I didn't think you were the type to give up. I really thought you'd always be there thru thick and thin. I really wish that you could at least just think about what I have to say. And if you dissagree.. tell me why.. explain to me. I just want to understand. I love you so much Tony.. and part of wishes that I was pregnant at this moment, cuz then I'd know we'd be together. Part of me wishes that so bad, I know its for the wrong reasons, but... I want to have a family with you, I want to be your wife... but I can want and want and want, and it doesn't make a difference if that isn't what you want. Thats the shitter, you tell me that is what you want to... so WHY ..can't it be..?? why?

I love you and miss you, and hope to hear back from you soon.

Love,
Julie