Friday, October 22, 2004

EMAILS

October 19th, 2004

Hi Julie,

This is me wanting to say hello.... Still no internet at the house. Sorry this is so short but I'm at work.

Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you.

Hope this helps...
T.

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Tone,
It helps a bit. I'm not doing well. I was hoping you'd of called me, at least to say hello. I really could use someone to talk to. I've been a mess since Sunday nite. I don't know what is wrong with me. All I do is cry, I feel like everything is falling apart. I really could use you now. Do you know when the net will be turned back on? Did you get ur harddrive fixed? Please call me.. whenever you can get the chance.. even if it late.

Julie
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@ October 20th, 2004

Julie,

Luckily I did get the hard drive fixed, but Comcast is being a real about the internet (although they did get the cable tv on). I did try to call last night, but I got a message saying that the number could not be reached, I called twice around 2:30am, if that helps...

Try to think happy thoughts kiddo, and I'll try calling again when I get in tonight.

Hope this helps...
T.
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October 21st, 20004

Hello T.,
Not sure what to say right now, i'm a bit angry.My phone is working now, so unless you were dialing someone elses number.... you should of got me, unless you didn't bother to call.. which is at all possible. Just remember my number should be filed in your little black book, under B***h- its ***-***-****. Just wanted to make sure if you didn't hve the number, you do now. I'm sure you may have not go thru, the nite before, but. there should of been no reason why not last nite. I paid the money from my account for all our phones and got the phones "back on"... (long story. i hate verizon).

I dunno, I'm really upset already, so if I seem that I'm being mean thats why. I've been really depressed and stuff since Sunday. I don't know why, maybe .. I'm finally realizing it really is over between us. I just feel so alone, and helpless, and so fucked up right now. I barely make it thru work without crying, only to get in my car and cry the whole way home, until I get to Reading, then i compose myself again. I'm tired of being like this, I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I'll end this here, as you are at work reading this, and stuff. All I wish, is for you to call, so I can talk to you.

Love,

Julie

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Hello Julie,

I miss you, and I apologize for being really busy lately (part of me feels like i shouldn't have to, but I'm goin to anyway), sadly , except for tonight, for the next 10 days its only going to get worse.

So this is the part where I suck in my pride, stroke my fur the wrong way, and beg your forgiveness.

Since Monday I've been getting in about 3am, my net only got turned on last night, and I still need to rewire the rest of the house, I've gotten no sleep, and except for tonight, I probably won't until the first weekend in November.

...And no I do not have a little black book, a little silver rolodex maybe, but currently the girl I call from there is you.

So ha......

Listen...I really need for you to hang in there. I really miss you, this is hard on me to, and it bugs me that you don't seem to realize that. You're only 2 hours away and I feel like you're on the other side of the world. This thing is only over, truly, if you want it to be. I.personnally do not.

I can't tell you what to think, but know that I'm not cheating on you (!!??!??!), I'm not fucking around, and except for running in NY, I'm not looking for anyone else.

You should hear from me later on tonight....

Love,
T.
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Hey..
not sure what to say, I really want to just talk to you on the phone for a few minutes. My phone is fucked again, so.. if you get this message.. you can try to call .. if not please call the home phone.

I could really use your love and support. I know you don't think I understand, but.. its not because I dont' try, because I do. Just I don't feel like you understand me.

Your letter has me confused, because.. A. if we aren't together, how could you be cheating on me.. and B. I've asked you.. what are we now as "friends" and you've never really answered. C. I've told you I want to be your girlfriend, whatever that entails, and you've not even acknowledged that I've said it...
D. I'm just fucking confused, I hate holding off.. everything I want to say.. until god knows when, cuz I just hurt and get frustrated more.

I should lay down and try to get some sleep (yeah.. like i see that happening)...
Love,
Julie
please. if you can.. call me

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October 22nd, 2004

T.,

Good morning, or something like that. Its going to be a long day for me today. I have this wierd as lady as my one on one. We are on the phones now. It makes time go faster though. I can't write much, but I just wanted to say something really quick, as I didn't hear from you last nite. I want to thank you for the emails you've sent first, because I do appreciate them greatly. But, I just wish that if you are that busy, you would just say that you are busy, and too busy to call. I really could use to talk to you, I've been having such a rough time. YES.. I know you are busy, but since we are friends, I'd figure you'd at least return my calls.. and say hey.. ya know. (for once I don't feel like I"m obsessively calling-- but do feel stupid for calling since I never get a call back). I do understand your busy, and since I'm not ur gf, I'm not bitching... ..
just if I was ur gf, I'd want to know what it was ur busy doing, and since I'm completely in the dark... I don't understand. I dont' understand, how hotornot is more important than me... I don't understand at all. But.. excuse my rant, this is NOT the reason I emailed.

I emailed because, I wanted to say something about something I learned at work LAMA,
L= Listen, A=Acknowledge, M=Make a statement, A=Ask a question
I learned, that the first two, Listen and Acknowledge are helpful in any aspect of life, and I feel this is why we keep going in circles. I don't feel you acknowledge anything I say, so then I don't think you are listening to me at all. Just a pointer.... its as simple as... "oh you are feeling bad... I'm sorry to hear that.." have some compassion... I mean, I'm not telling you that I feel bad because of you. I just feel bad... and I feel like I have noone, and that makes me feel worse. I know its my problem, and I have to deal with it, but.. my coping skills suck.. and I need help.

I will go now, have to get my a** in the shower.

Love,
Julie


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