I don't understand, not sure I ever will. Does he think space will make things better? Maybe for him, but my anger has been building up since Thursday... and continues to double by the day. And now, I just want to go break something.
Keeping busy though. Trying to work on cleaning this room... and doing laundry. Getting ready for work tommorrow. I can't wait to get back there, so I have more to keep me busy.
I just don't understand... I feel abandoned. I feel betrayed. I feel unimportant. I keep thinking all these aweful things. Like, why doesn't he care enough. Isn't it important that we talk and get this out of our systems. What is it he's really hiding from me? Who is he with that is so important? Is he cheating on me? I have no trust whatsoever. I keep playing everything I want to say to him in my head. I really am unsure that we should continue the relationship. I'm not going to change overnite, and its going to keep hurting him, which is going to keep hurting me. So I don't really see the point.
I just don't see how things will fit together in the future.
I wrote him another letter :
Emailing you, cuz I need to get some things out, and you haven't called. I didn't think you would, but.. I was hoping. First I want to let you know, its not about what I want in the relationship, because you are in control. You control, when and if we see each other, and when and if we talk on the phone. I don't get mad if you don't come see me every day... I understand thats not possible. You sounded really mad in that email, and I don't quite understand how you think, ignoring me is going to help the situation. And if you dont think you are ignoring me that is fine, but that is how I feel.
Not talking to me.. hurts me. It makes any trust I have in you, start to dissappear. I want to have faith that you are going to be there for me, but when I'm upset or hurting, you aren't. I know thats not possible for you to be there for me all the time, but I feel like.. the more I tell you I'm upset, the more you prefer not to talk to me, or call me back, or email me back.
I am sorry, that it hurts you when I get upset, that you are afraid to lose me.. ( and i'm not sure if you are thinking, I'll dump you, or if I'll kill myself) but either way.. I dont want you to have to fear that every day. But I do need you, I need you to be there for me, more. I want you to be able to talk to me about it.. rather than wait till I piss you off. Tell me, Julie, I understand you are hurting, but I need to go to bed, and try and give me some tips or something on how to get myself out of the mood. Thinking more positive helps, and so does imagery... I forget these things when i get so upset. I need your help to get better. Thats if this is what you really want.
The reason I was so upset the other nite.. was.. for various reasons.. the one being .. you saying we would be together "eventually" which I think I wrote to you about... (or blogged about)... but I've also been upset about alot of things. The fact that I could (or couldn't) be pregnant. I should of started my period yesterday, and have no signs or symptoms of starting it.. other than I'm feeling bitchy. I was also upset cuz, I knew that you wouldn't be coming to see me. It was pretty obvious to me. I was also upset because you wouldn't tell me what happened to Greg ( I think thats his name). I can't stand being told part of something, and not hearing the rest. I feel like you are hiding something... Like for instance.. is he dead? is he not friends with you anymore? was he abducted by aliens? I mean seriously. And one more thing I can think of.. is the fact that I don't feel like I know much about you. I don't know where you live, or what you do on a daily basis. And when I asked, where did you live, you were really vague about, same when i asked about your job. That and I did a search on the internet about you, and found out some more stuff about a previous band you were in, and some other stuff, like my favourite picture of you is on http://www.longhairedmen.com/ which was cute to find. I did see that one of your keywords on hotornot was cradle of filth, but I never knew what it was about till today. You never mentioned that band to me.
But.. I am getting ready for bed and I do hope to hear from you soon. I would write more, but I dont want to bore you... plus i have like a million things going on...
I hope to talk to you soon..
Love,
Julie Ann Lathrop
Sunday, October 03, 2004
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment