Another Letter!!

Calmed down a bit, feeling better. A few of my friends helped with that. THANK YOU!
I wrote T. a letter.. and well.. I hope it makes up for the last two I sent.

T.,
First I want to ask you to please forgive me. I don't know why I'm like this.. (well it is part of the borderline thing). I don't want to break up. I just keep wanting to push you away. I don't know what I'd do without you. I've had a chance to calm down, and think rationally. We do need to talk. (read my blog for more info).

I want to say.. the one that had me really upset last nite.. was that you said... "oh we will be together eventually" and I said.. "eventually" and you were like.. yeah... well.. I didn't like that. I hurt.

I do need to try and open up to you more about my feelings. Its hard for me. Its hard for me to understand that you need space tonite. I feel abandoned. I feel alone. I feel hurt. I really truely don't think you have enough time for me. I don't understand how I fit into your life, or how we will fit together in the future. I want to. I really do.

I really needed you, and i'm sorry if you think I completely don't understand. I do understand, but, yes.. I am very demanding, I expect too much, and I'm too needy and need too much reassurance. I can't change overnite.

We do really need to talk though. It is hard for me.. because... I don't understand.. because.. you are one of the most important things in my life, and I would move heaven and earth to be with you. I just have one priority before you, and that is Darian.

One thing that is frustrating for me.. is last minute plans. I don't like it. I like things planned, mostly cuz I need to,. because of the whole sitter situation.

I'm not sure what else to say. I'm sorry if I upset you, I'm sorry if I hurt you, I'm sorry for pushing you away. But I'm hurting for a million reasons right now.... and I really could use to talk to you. I'm sorry if I stress you out. I need you to acknowledge the fact that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, it will help if I feel comfortable talking to you about it. There are so many books on it, and if we work together... I have faith we can overcome it... together. I can't do it alone and I can't do it if I feel I'm in it alone. I need you. I need you really bad right now.

I love you and miss you, and please.. call me.. sometime soon. I need to hear your voice, and know you love me.. and I want to try to understand why you are upset with me. I want you to be able to tell me... in person... when I'm doing these things.. acknowledging.. is the first step. to help me change.

I love you, T. .... more than anything...

More than anything,
Brighter than a star,
More than anything,
Faster than the fastest car.

Bringing me happiness,
And lots of joy,
Better than a child's Christmas,
And their new toy.

To infinity and beyond,
Farther and farther away,
Better than anything,
Metallica could play.

My heart aches,
My soul cries,
Take me anywhere
That American flies.

Anywhere, as long as
its with you.
Tell me you love me.
Tell me its true.

Hope my poem.. wasn't too corny... I do love you, and please call so we can talk about this.. I do want to explain myself..

Love,
(hopefully)
Julie Ann Mallory